Shapeshifting

location: dorm

mood: sad

music: Neutral Milk Hotel- Two Headed Boy

I've made it a point on my lj no to talk too much about my faith because I've been struggling with it for so long.
Last year, I more or less gave up all hope of religion and God because I could not wrap my mind around the suffering that takes place daily and the ignorance of the people I had grown up looking up to and then realized had poison hearts.
But lately, since the beginning of the school year, I've been thinking of it all more critically. A good friend of mine, Dr. Allen, talked to me about the historical context of it all. How, without some saving grace, could humanity have progressed the way it did? Why, only after the appearance of Jesus has humanity been able to advance so rapidly when it had been stagnant before for so long? This, I believe, is what started the thought process. And slowly, I've grown to accept God again. But it's been tedious, with minor growths and setbacks.

Over the last few weeks, my friend Amanda and I have taken up reading the Bible. And it's making terrific sense.

And then we got to Revelations.

And I freaked out.
I forgot how very much that book scared me. I feel hopeless and hopeful all at the same time. It makes me wonder if anything I'm doing is worth it at all. When I drive through Richmond now, all I see is everything that means so much to people now. That was constructed for a purpose and is beautiful to my silly human eyes. But it's going to be destroyed for what?
The 2012'ers have gotten to me. It all makes a lot of sense. It fits with the Bible and all sorts of cultures have come up with parallel prophecies.

So I talked t Kyle about it after Mary Ellen helped me with my understanding of the whole thing. And he was....less than supportive. He laughed at me and mocked me for being scared. (and it's not that I'm sure the world is going to end, I'm just very worried). I then told him about my faith and he said that we would need to end things if I became reconfirmed in Christian beliefs. Since he is an atheist, he says he can not deal with a Christian and he'd be lying to himself to still be with me. And that made me very sad. That he can't accept that part of me. Especially a part that I don't think is necessarily bad. But also that he did not want to comfort me whatsoever. I guess I was just an easy target last night.
He said he didn't care if I hated him, this is how it is.

So this is where I am, still unsure and very afraid.