Shapeshifting

I'm really very confused about the state of things at work.
As you may have picked up, I work as a museum docent. But lately...things have gotten a bit odd at work.
Not ghosts. I kind of wish I were.
I think I'm being stalked. A few weeks ago a man about forty five to fifty years of age came into the museum and struck up a conversation with me. He seemed nice enough and gave me his card so my boss could contact him (we are currently trying to save the armory in town and he claimed to be a national gurad historian). However, he keeps coming over when no one is there but me. He leaves work early to come tak to me and won't stop asking me out to dinner. This is probably my fault since when he first I asked, I presumed my boss would be there too and it would be about preserbing a historical building. But its not. He keeps asking. And taking a second look at his business card, I notice that was made with a simple printer and hand cut cardstock. And the information he brought about the armory was nothing onecould not find at the library. Everything he says is a little conspicuous.
I'm having my friend Rachel's mom find out if he is even an employee at the local guard base.
And I'm terrified because when I first met him I agreed to transcribe tapes for him and now he is sort of an employer.
He is so scary and I don't know what to do because Im there all alone most of the time and he lives just down the street from the museum. He knows my car too. And I'm worried he'll start following me around. He comes over when he sees my car and no one else's.
Today he showed up with a new haircut and would not stop complimenting me. It's all very starnge and I don't know what to think.
Is he harmless or is my current fear justified?

Tomorrow my boss isn't going to be there. Again. The neighbors of the museum look out for me as muchas possible, but they're on vacation.  I'm honestly so scared I'm crying when I go into work.

not that exciting.
It was kind of a let down actually.
I was very excited fr it to come around this year. The food. The fireworks. It's all really cool.
We all (the fam plus Kyle) went to Mike and Wanda's for a cookout. It was ok, but there was no one there under forty except Kyle, Me, and m little brother. I couldn't get in the pool (I fell down the stairs few days ago and when I reached out to grab the banister, it scraped the skin off most of my fingers. ew.) either, so it was a bit of a bust. My brother had a great time, though. He was really sweet running around the pool. He ended up falling asleep in the sun with their cat.
Then we went to my grandmother's house. She has a huge party every year. But once again, we three were the only younger ones there. We ate some more and then Kyle and I departed for Emporia for fireworks.
But we missed them.
And the entire night the only food I even enjoyed was the coleslaw at Mike and Wanda's.
It wasn't a bad night.
But 4th of July is supposed to be mindblowing, right?

(But at least 1776 was on Turner Classic Movies...)

I'm baaaaack.
My house officially has internet. So no more sneaking on at work or dashing out to the coffee shop when something is due for my class.

This summer has been slow paced so far. I get up, go to work, and come home every day. Every once and a while I'll drive up to CaryTown and get c.d.'s at plan 9 or maybe do a little book shopping. Other than that, I never reallyget out of Kenbridge. Ever since the Saves the Day Show, I've been a bit of a hermit...which is ok for now. I've been catching up on some reading. Earlier this month I read Sarah Vowell's The Wordy Shipmates, which was such  fun book. I just finished David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest and it was AMAZING. I'm reading Consider the Lobster now. On the list for next month is Downtown Owl (Klosterman) and The Hamlet (Faulkner). After that, I'm not sure what I'll be reading.

Tuesday is the first day off I've had in a reeaalllyyy long time. So I think I may just lay around the pool. :)

I'm most looking forward to the Half Blood Prince film coming out in July. Without HP novels to look forward to, the movies are all I have left lol. I'm going as Tonks and Kyle is being forced into the character of Remus. bwahaha.

Hoping everyone is having a great summer.

Last night, we drove to Norfolk to see Alkaline Trio, Nightmare of You, Saves the Day, and Drive A at the Norva. It was a really great show.
We walked around the mall and shopped for a little while before it started and then went to Kelley's (the restaurant behind the Norva that lets you in early if you order something). However, the hostess was really rude and said that food could no longer be ordered (at 5 pm), all the while I was watching a twenty something at the bar order a burger and fries. She smirked and said I could order ten dollars in drinks instead. Soooo....we went to Johnny Rockets instead. Which was delicious and had a very nice host.
The while walking out we ran right into Dan from Alkaline Trio. Kyle was a little starstruck so I dragged him over to the Norva. We got there just in time for Drive A, who were ok but not what we came for. We had a really good spot by the stage so we stayed. Nightmare came on next (I was there for them), and they played a lot of their old stuff which I was glad for. Kyle thinks I'm making this up, but I swear Brandon Riley smiled right at me.  I don't see why he wouldn't...I sang every single song and was right in the front. 
Saves the Day came on next. They were amazing. Even though they no longer have Dave in the band, they rocked. Their new guitarist is just as good and really funny. They played "Shoulder to the Wheel" and Driving in the Dark". Both of which we wanted to hear. Kyle commented on how old Chris Connely looked. It's true. All of our favorite musicians are getting older. I'm wondering if they'll be able to relate to the things I'm feeling any more. Then again, I'm getting older too.
After their set, Chris handed Kyle the setlist and said "Nice to see you again". He was uber excited because his idol remembered him. Kyle was walking on a cloud for the rest of the evening.
Alkaline came on after a very long wait. In the mean time, the girls in back of me sloshed beer all over my dress. I was more than pissed because they had spilled drinks on me all night. When the band came on, the crowd got really intense. I was right at the front so Kyle tried to form a barricade between me and them but I still got a little squished. Fights broke out.It was chaos.
But fun.
Until the next to last song...
When I fainted.
I'm not sure why I did...it's just something that's been happening a lot lately. Once in English class, last month when we went to see Manchester Orchestra. The thing is, it's not like I don't eat or had been drinking or anything. I just got really hot and nauseous and passed out.
I woke up and Kyle and some guy were carrying me out to the bar. A woman came up and shined a flashlight in my eyes and asked some question I can't remember, then declared me ok. I felt horrible that he was missing Alkaline Trio. Their encore was starting, so I made him go back out and followed after a bit.
Overall, though, it was a really fun show.
 
I just woke up, and now I'm going to pin my ticket on the wall with the others and try to scrub these x's off my hands.

Yes!
I have been hearing so many coflicting views about this pandemic.That there's no way to prevent it and it will wipe out a third of the population. That it actually hasn't killed as many as the normal flu does, so it is not as epic as we make it out to be--- just a novelty. It's apparently the new Spanish Influenza.
And they're changing it's name?
...Can't say I blame anyone for that, though. I'd hate to say I hve swine flu. Something with a little more pizazz, please.

As for prevention...possibly swallow some gilley weed and live under water until it all passes?

Last night during my American Short Story final I stumbled across something that  REALLY wanted to post...
...but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is. haha, oh well.

Today is my last full day here. It's going to be so odd moving back home. And not the good odd either. I'll be without internet, so my posts will most likely be few and far between. But I promise I will write whenever I'm in Uptown Coffee or at Kyle's (if he still let's me use his comp since I crashd it watching Dr. Who off a sketchy site...wooops).
I'm going to miss this place. The place I never wanted to come to. Today Amanda and I are exploring the tunnel under Va. Hall and hanging out in the Creative Writing mansion with her Nonfiction professor.(nd I'm hoping we'll run into Claudia Emerson there...I have a poem I desperatley want her to read).
So, goodbye Fredericksburg.
Until next year.

By the way, has anyone watched the BBC show "All The Small Things"? It's an entire television series based of of Blink 182 songs. The son is autisic and obsesses about Tom Delonge. It's a pretty funny show, just because it's not very well done. I think my favorite part so far is when the son gets excied because his to be love interest is asthmatic and so is Tom....so if she's ever around him they can shar an inhaler. It's all very cute.

Kye got in!
Now hopefully he'll choose coming here instead of tranferring to JMU.

On another note...
I went to see Manchester Orchestra and fun. last night at the National. It was a really great show. I got to meet Nate Reuss again, and he signed my ticket.

<= nate reuss

fun.played some of my favourite format songs, which was nice to hear. Manchester Orchestra was the headline, but I was really there for fun.

Officially declared my majors!
English with a concentration in creative writing
and
Gegraphy

YAY!

Today was my last American Short Story class. Professor Stewart answered our questions and whatnot and it was a really niceway to spend the last class. We talked about the last few short stories, and when we got to David Foster Wallace's "The Depressed Person" a few tears spang to my eyes.
I'm not sure if it was for one reason
or the other.

I haven't updated in a while. Which is no fun...

On March 30th, Ben Folds came and played at MWash. He put on a really amazig show! He played for over two hours straight...over 20 songs. Then in the encore, he played "Kate" which was my first favorite song when I was in third grade. Klye went with me as did Sheridan. It was supposed to be a date, but she threw a fit when we left without her.

Lately Kyle and I haven't been fighting as much. But when we do, it's progressively uglier every time. He went to a Black Kids concert with Olivia two weeks ago. I really wantd to see that show, but it never really occured to him that Ihad asked if he wanted to go with me a month ago. It akes me so mad because she is just the type of girl he has always wanted and I feel so inferior to her. He didn't even say he was sorry for hurting my feelings. Which I think I deserved. We screamed at each other in the South Park parking lot for a while before seeing Adventureland.
All I want is some credit.
All I want is to hear that I'm good enough.
I want to hear that I'm loved and worthwhile.
And when I'm upset, I want him to care.
Saturday night we got into a huge fight over the phone. We were screaming and I woke everyone up. I hate that he's not in love with me anymore. I hate that I can't make anyone happy. And I hate that I'm not good enough for him.
I've been having nightmares about him leaving me more frequently and it just makes me paranoid from the moment I wake up.

Easter was nice. I convinced Kyle to come over and we ate at my house and talked to my family before doing the same thing at his aunt Libby's. My cousin, who can't be more than 13 or 14 sowed up with a 19 year old naed Gustavo. Gustavo has a gotee and doesn't speak much at all. When asked a question he just kind of mumbled. I swear, he's a throwback from the early ninetees faux ghetto scene. They went outside to make out by the cars and Kyle and I giggled at them from the window. We reallllyyyy wished his car alarm worked. I don't know what my cousin Steve is thinking by letting his daughter date him. His eyes were obviously dialated the entire time and he was kind of scary, just sitting in the corner not talking to anyone. Anyway, we left and went to his aunts house. Kyle's family is incredibly nice. They're all really welcoming and very very sweet. We ate and talked, and then escaped for about an hour to nap at his place before coming back. We swung by 7 Eleven for slurpees and sat around with his brother and sister. His sister commented on the valentines present I made for him. She said "No one's every going to love you this much again, Kyle". He just kind of shrugged, which broke my heart. I cried the whole way back to his house after that. We spent the night and got up at seven tis morning to come back to Fredericksburg. He was kind of frustrated about parking and such, and didn't talk much on the way to my dorm. We said goodbye around ten and he left.
I dunno...I miss being happy and not knowing why I'm sad all of the time.

This week is going to be so hectic....but...

Next weekend is Record Store Day! I'll be at Plan 9 if anyone wants to find me.

I'm studying for Geography and jut cannot get over the magnitude of the change the earth goes through. Yearly. Monthly. Daily.
Rivers change shape. What we see now is not what our ancestors saw. Th Nile once flowed east to west. Floodplains used to be V-shaped valleys. The Grand Canyon is fairly recent.
We learn about this small blip of time on the radar. Things are changing as I write. In California, there is crust subducting and melting back into magma. Sometime, probably sometime soon, the outer core will change the direction in which it flows...and then...magnetic north will no longer be magnetic north. It will be magnetic south.
I want to sit out west and watch the sand dunes of the desert shift. I want to lay all day on a beach and watch the tide come in and out while the waves crash in time with the beating of my heart. I want to see a sheet of rock peel from Stone Mountain.
We've been members of this planet for so long, but we know so little about it. We are a part of its living atmosphere, yet we disregard the need to take care of it. We mine what has taken millions of years to create and destroy it in a matter of minutes. Honestly, people wonder why the climate is changing. Pay attention to what you're doing, people.
We're supposed to be in an ice age. Th earth is heating, gaining energy, and the seasonal extremes are increasing.
The sad thing is, we can do very little to stop it.
Maybe this class is depressing me. But it makes me feel like an intricate part of something huge. Something that I interact in every day and never even notice.
For my entire childhood, I wanted to be a part of something meaningful and collective. A conspiracy. A pirate gang. A magical society.
Well...I'm part of planet Earth. And I'm starting to appreciate its beauty.

Ugghhh...too much Chinese food...I'm going to explode.
I'm sampling every restaurant in the greater Burg area so the takeout ordering is that much simpler. (Or that much harder, considering there are five more to go)

I'm trying to decide whether to double major. I know I don't want to do anything Geography related for the rest of my life, but it would nice to have if I needed something to fall back on. (And scientific journalists are in higher demand these days). Other than that little thought hanging on to my mind, today was fairly relaxing. Which was very nice. I sat back, watched Anastasia and The Price of Milk. Listened to Tom Brosseau and ate blackberries (which are at the grocery store again!!!!). I could see people milling about the circle under my window and smiled as they campaigned and hugged and screamed and aimlessly wandered. I wasn't having any of that, today.

I already miss winter.

Spring Break was two weeks ago and I have since returned from the land of no internet. It began and ended with a funeral. First, KK's grandfather dies, and then Kyle's uncle did. It was odd being at funerals for people I hardle knew. It felt like tespassing...like I had no right to be there. But they were glad I was there, and I want them to be happy above all.
Maybe its horrible...but the funerals did not effect me as uch as Sunday night.
Sunday night, Kyle and I went to see Lydia play at the Canal Club. But as soon as we sat down, I spotted Morgan. Of all the places she could be, she had to be there. I know she came to ruin my night and I couldn't help but cry.
I felt betrayed by him and so many other things.
He was ressuring but way too smug that she and the guy she cheated on him with looked unhappy.
Maybe I'm just looking for things now.

But after the show we went up to the merch table and she was there. I clenched his hand because I just couldn't stand the thought of them being close at all. She left not too long after that and Kyle and I met the band. They were very nice, and the lead singer and I conversed about the show.

Spring Break is not for me.

So, next week is spring break. Which is more like late winter break, if you ask me.
I'm not sure if I'm excited or not. I get to have a little time to myself...but that time will be at home.

I mostly just want to see Kyle. Because last weekend didn't go so well. We went to Richmond and stayed at Patrick and his apartment. It went fine the first day, but on the second it all started falling apart. I have a habit of being paranoid and I think that annoyed him when we went to see The Glass Menagerie. Then I said I didn't really like the Virgin Suicides after we watched it and he kind of blew up. Apparently, nothing seems good enough for me and he's never happy anymore. I ended up crying in the kitchen and when he called me back in he broke up with me.
Then things got pathetic...
I begged for at least an hour for him to take me back. He finally decided to give it another month.
It's a horrible feeling when someone tells you that they've never been in love with you. They love you, sure. But "in love"? Apparently, that's another matter entirely.

I ended up staying an extra day, because I messed up my ankle going after breakfast and had to talk to a doctor. Leaving him was horrible.

Then, on Tuesday I collapsed in class while giving my presentation on Jamaica Kincaid. Everything got hot and I was sweating and nauseous. Then I just remember waking up on the floor and everyone was crowded around. They called an ambulance and I stayed in the hospital for a while. They said it was a combination of stress and dehydration. When they asked what I had to be stressed about, I just shrugged.

Everything seems fine now, though. I went to class this morning and made a map :)

"I'm afraid I cease to exist when he's not there. I'm like one of those sea stones that sucks its colors out of the froth of the waves. When he's not there, I'm afraid I know no one and no one knows me"
-Edwidge Danticat

I thought this was really beautiful. We read "The Farming of Bones" in class and I latched on to this excerpt. I guess it's how I feel most of the time...it may be a little pathetic...but then again why should love be have to answer to the rules of pathetic-ness. Why should it succumb to societies standards?

Maybe I just miss him a lot.
 

I've made it a point on my lj no to talk too much about my faith because I've been struggling with it for so long.
Last year, I more or less gave up all hope of religion and God because I could not wrap my mind around the suffering that takes place daily and the ignorance of the people I had grown up looking up to and then realized had poison hearts.
But lately, since the beginning of the school year, I've been thinking of it all more critically. A good friend of mine, Dr. Allen, talked to me about the historical context of it all. How, without some saving grace, could humanity have progressed the way it did? Why, only after the appearance of Jesus has humanity been able to advance so rapidly when it had been stagnant before for so long? This, I believe, is what started the thought process. And slowly, I've grown to accept God again. But it's been tedious, with minor growths and setbacks.

Over the last few weeks, my friend Amanda and I have taken up reading the Bible. And it's making terrific sense.

And then we got to Revelations.

And I freaked out.
I forgot how very much that book scared me. I feel hopeless and hopeful all at the same time. It makes me wonder if anything I'm doing is worth it at all. When I drive through Richmond now, all I see is everything that means so much to people now. That was constructed for a purpose and is beautiful to my silly human eyes. But it's going to be destroyed for what?
The 2012'ers have gotten to me. It all makes a lot of sense. It fits with the Bible and all sorts of cultures have come up with parallel prophecies.

So I talked t Kyle about it after Mary Ellen helped me with my understanding of the whole thing. And he was....less than supportive. He laughed at me and mocked me for being scared. (and it's not that I'm sure the world is going to end, I'm just very worried). I then told him about my faith and he said that we would need to end things if I became reconfirmed in Christian beliefs. Since he is an atheist, he says he can not deal with a Christian and he'd be lying to himself to still be with me. And that made me very sad. That he can't accept that part of me. Especially a part that I don't think is necessarily bad. But also that he did not want to comfort me whatsoever. I guess I was just an easy target last night.
He said he didn't care if I hated him, this is how it is.

So this is where I am, still unsure and very afraid.

The ones in the dining hall here don't have advice so much as they tell you your future.

My last one said : "There is a nice cake waiting for you"

Ummm....alright...I'll take your word for it.

Today is one of those days that is so bright, it gives you a headache.
Which is nice for a change. It's been so dark and gloomy, and though I looove overcast skies, this just seems optimistic. It's o warm here that everyone is wearing short sleeves. And after last weeks snow, it just seems weird (especially seeing as some of it is still lurking in the shadows).

I've been listening to Nat Geo music, which is now one of my favorite sites. Ever since they nixed the International Music Feed, I haven't really had anywhere to listen to the sudden craving of African drums or Bollywood. I'm really enjoying a cover of "London, London" by Cibelle and Devandra Banhart right now.

On other news, I probably won't be on much this week because of all the work that has backed up on me. After meeting my presentation partner, I'm fairly sure I'll be doing the entire Global Lit project and I have a test and another presentation on Friday. Not to mention a paper and a ton of reading. I can't wait :)

I actually had a discussion about this with Amanda yesterday. I'm going to have my ashes compressed into a diamond and Kyle is going to wear me forever.
Is that creepy?
I hope it's not creepy.

English class is a world unto itself.

Today I had a particularly good point about Dostoevsky's "Dream of a Ridiculous Man" when the guy sitting diagonal to me caught my eye. He was eating teddy grahams with chopsticks....and I thought the entire thing was so comical that I forgot all about being in class. However, I still had my hand in the air and when my professor called on my I had to stammer out that I had no clue what I was going to say.
I'm an impressive student :)

But for all of this, I have decide what sector of literature I'm going to pursue. I think I'd like to study southern literature. Especially turn of the century. It feels like it's more a part of me than any other regional writing. Even my beloved Christopher Marlowe.

Somewhere in the three hours I spent in my English class tonight I may have figured out the meaning of life.
And then I promptly forgot it.