Shapeshifting

I've never hated anything as much as I hate myself.
And in the space of a summer thought I had figure out how to handle it.

I just got back to my dorm from attempting to watch the play "Reefer Madness" with Kyle. And during he scenes where girls grind on each other in their eunderwear, I asked him not to watch.
Because I'm insecure.
And I hate everyone.
And I can't stand it on tv, much less in a tiny studio.

And I kept asking him. And kept trying to hold his hand.
But he kept pulling away and said he wanted me to leave.
And I tried to talk to him during intermission, but he said he didn't love me anymore and told me to go home.

So here I am.
And I'm dreading our talk later, because I know he does not want me anymore.
And I know that right now he's probably chatting up some girl who is still there for Act II.

I have to go back to my therapist, even though I don't want to. And I'm so scared of everything.

Pretending to be happy every day is killing me. I am so depressed that I can hardly get through a class without crying.

He thinks it's interesting when Michael Ian Black is depressed, but it's just pathetic on me.

And I'm so scared that I am that pathetic and unloveable.
Deep down I'm fairly sure it's true.

Last night Kyle and I went to see Brand New at the National.
It was an ok show, but not worth missing my Newsgathering class. They got up and playe. Played very well. But that was all they did.
Jesse Lacey hardly communicated with the crowd. I honestly felt like I could have just invited a lot of sweaty people over to my dorm and played the c.d. with the same exact result.
But I suppose it's nice to get out and Richmond is always exciting. Even when it's cold and rainy.
We went to a Pizza and Sub place that was delightfully grungy. One of those places I'll end up eating when I'm straving for may art...or something of that nature.
The best thing was that we did not fight. It was nice. Even though the whole time I was holding back tears because I felt so bad. I don't kow what it is with me lately. I just can't get well. I had a sinus infection and some kind of virus and now I may have some kind of stomach ailment. The entire time I was standing there, fighting back the urge to puke and giving myself a headache fom not crying because the pins were so bad.

Oh well. That's life.

Bob McDonell won.
Boo Hiss.

Happy Halloween!

This ==>  is me for Halloween.

Robert Smith!
 

A friend looked at my hands today and said, "You have women's hands."

I don't know when my fingers elongated and my ligaments became more pronounced.

I'm not sure when those stumps I called hands, so eager to dig into that candy jar, recoiled.

Paint covers those nails I chewed to train me.

I miss my childlike hands.

As today is October 15th, it is only fitting that I partcipate in BAD.

This year's topic is climate change, something that affects us all (whether you believe in it or not).
It astounds me how few people actually care about the climate. They are either sincere in this apathy, or feel guilty about their part in this worldwide disaster.
Climate change, though horrible, I believe can bring the world together. This may sound insane, but in times of great conflict people band together and form bonds.

Global initiative has to start somewhere. And I believe that somewhere can be here. The United States is extremely influential, even more so after George Bush left office. The damage he did to our  repetoirehas been slowly repared by Obama. And he continues to do so. What more could say that e have the world's interests at heart than taking initiative against climate change? It is something everyone needs. And we are all responsible.

In fifteen years, the polar ice caps will be gone. However, I don't see anyone here driving their SUV's less or recycling more.
...the sleepy little town I live in no longer has recycling recepticles anywhere. And they do not have public utilities to pick it up at ones home.

But what can we as individuals do?
Walk more, recycle more, eat less packaged foods. It really is that simple to lower yor carbon footprint.

Did you know that we are supposed to be in the midst of an ice age right now?
But instead theworld is heating up.

I have not posted in a while, I know. My schedule has been super duper hectic. Classes. Presentations. Aubade. Kyle.
It's a lot.

But lately I've been going to a few shows, all of which have been very good.
Kyle and I went to see the Weakerthans at the 9:30 Club a while ago, and the show was very good. Even if the night was not. We got into a fight because apparently I looked like a hooker.
I didn't. I think he might have just wanted a reason to yell at me because he was so frustrated that we were lost in DC. That was my fault too. 
Before the show we walked to a record store, on the way to which my Doc Martins wore the skin off of the back of my foot. There are still blood stains in them and scars on my feet. (But there is a silver lining to every cloud, as I found Tom Brosseau's Posthumous Success for 33 cents)
We finally made it to the show and the Weakerthans were really great. I ended up getting sick in the bathroom, but that was mostly due to nerves. They played "Our Retired Explorer" and it made things ok.

We've been to Jammin' Java a few times since classes began. The bands we were there to see (The Color Fred and Farewell) were very good, even if the openers (ahem...the Ready Set) were really not. But at least they're up there doing what they love. Which is more than a lot of us can say.

Last but MOST DEFINITLEY not least is Blink. The show was amazing. Even though I felt horribly sick toward the end and a girl fell on me (my neck is still killing me) I had an uber good time. Fall Out Boy was great too. I haven't seen them since I was 15, so it was nice. We caught 2 picks and drove home smiling.

Other than shows, my life has been very regular. I go to class, I eat, I go to Kyles, I sleep. It's all very routine.
But it is also very nice.
I'm not very good with change so maybe, just maybe, this is the kind of life I strive on.
It makes me a little sad how unadventurous I am. But my exploits are academic.
And living through William Faulkner reminds me of home.

It's getting colder. And here, at home over fall break, the weather is rainy and bleak.
But that's how I like it.

But much more important than the weather right now is the Nobel Peace Prize given to President Obama.
I get so angry every time I turn on Fox news and hear them say he didn't deserve it.
Because, honestly, who is doing more to promote peace in the world right now? It takes an amazing person to reverse the damage done to America's international image by the Bush administration, but there he is doing it. I am so glad to live in a country that embraces diplomacy and is taking initiative in arms talks and climate change. But he has not only helped his own people. The outlook on the future seems a little brighter to the entire world. It is rare that a leader can inspire so much hope.
So, kudos to you Barack Obama. You deserve this award, and hopefully it will serve to remind you of how very much good you really can do.

I honestly think the benefits of hot tea are endless. Green and Herbal (linden especially) are my favorites for when I'm sick. Pair them with some lemon, milk, and honey, and it makes you feel sooo much better. It might not actually do anything, but it's comforting.
But! Don't drink caffeinated tea or anything with caffeinne in it, for that matter. Caffeine keeps the infection in your system.

My great grandmother's favorite remedy was Vick's Vapor Rub. But instead of rubbing it on my dad, she would make him and all of his cousin eat the stuff. :/

When I go home, I'll try to post some more. I live in an old plantation house, and we have books with remedies written down in them Some of them are pretty funny.

Last night I had the first good dream I've had in a very long time. To give you a picture of what I usually dream...here's a recap of last week's as I can remember them.

Monday- The girl from the bank stole Kyle from me. Which even in real life, I'm fairly sure she could do. And they had children. I was so upset that I cried for most of the dream and then went shopping for a new dress. But the one I bought was worn by a french woman when she died. When I woke up, I actually went on the net and bought two dresses, not even realizing until later why I did it.

Tuesday- My Journalism professor was tall enough to reach the top of my loft while standing flat-footed on the floor. For some reason he had green glasses and red hair. He spit in my face while I was sleeping. And when I woke up he told me I was the worst writer he'd ever met.

Wednesday- My geography professor had a clandestine meeting with my parents. I'm petty sure they were conspiring against me.

Thursday-  I just searched for Kyle all over campus. And every time it seemed like I was close, he's slip away.

Friday- Someone was murdered in my barn. For some reason all of the cats in the area came to see what happened. Amanda really liked a siamese one, which started talking and knew who the murderer was.

I think my dreams have been particularly bad this week because I've felt horrible. I tore most of the muscles in my stomach by overdoing my workout on Wednesday. I've hardly been able to move until this morning. But last night, I dreamed that Kyle and I got married. My mom and dad's friends came to see the marriage, which took place in my den. But none of my friends did. When I asked them why they gave me the same reason that Lorelei and Luke didn't get married in Gilmore Girls. So I gave up on them and decided to be happy. Father Paul officiated the ceremony and then Kyle and I went off on a honeymoon. That part is a little fuzzy, but I do recall a theme park. Then we came home and had dinner with my family and then went out with out friends to a show and held hands and were really happy.

Then I woke up.
And realized that I has slept right through church.
...and that my stomach felt infinitely better than it had when I went to sleep.

I'm pretending not to be concerned. I'm pretending not to be concerned. I'm pretending not to be concerned.

But I am.

My face has never been very good at hiding feelings, anyway.

I'm back at Atlantic Beach. And though it's nice the see the old haunts again...it's bittersweet. I can't help but realize that everything has changed dramatically since the last time I was here.
But then again, it always does.
Now that I think of it, my mind splits up time in intervals between coming to this place.
I went to my favorite restaurant tonight but it wasn't the same.
Mum and I are fighting worse than ever. And my father has become a bit more reserved. He seems so sad all of the time. For the entirety of his 48 years, he has lived in the same town and know the same people. Now his friends are dying at an increasingly rapid rate and he is having to close his factory. He is laying off 80 people, all of whom he knows personally and I know it just kills him walking in every day having the knowledge that the livelihood of our very small town is coming to a close. After Imperial closes, they all move away. Then go the restaurants since they have no customers as well as the hair salon and the auto shop soon to be followed by the video rental store and the gift shops. And he feels a bit like its all his fault. It's not. But he feels like it is.
I miss Kyle a lot too. I haven't had a boyfriend while being here for two years and its a little odd. I forget how paranoid I become and how sad it makes me to look toward the horizon and count the disappearing miles in my mind.
But the ocean is beautiful. And Beaufort is as picturesque as ever.
The only thing that has really changes is us.

I stole this from colorism and it was uber fun!
Here are the guidelines...

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Pick an image.
c. Copy each image URL into Mosaic Maker. Change rows to 3 and columns to 3.
d. Save the image and post it.

The Questions:
1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favourite colour?
3. What is your favourite food?
4. Favourite drink?
5. Dream vacation?
6. Favourite hobby?
7. What you want to be when you grow up?
8. What do you love most in life?
9. Best self-description?


Here's my mosaic

I'm really very confused about the state of things at work.
As you may have picked up, I work as a museum docent. But lately...things have gotten a bit odd at work.
Not ghosts. I kind of wish I were.
I think I'm being stalked. A few weeks ago a man about forty five to fifty years of age came into the museum and struck up a conversation with me. He seemed nice enough and gave me his card so my boss could contact him (we are currently trying to save the armory in town and he claimed to be a national gurad historian). However, he keeps coming over when no one is there but me. He leaves work early to come tak to me and won't stop asking me out to dinner. This is probably my fault since when he first I asked, I presumed my boss would be there too and it would be about preserbing a historical building. But its not. He keeps asking. And taking a second look at his business card, I notice that was made with a simple printer and hand cut cardstock. And the information he brought about the armory was nothing onecould not find at the library. Everything he says is a little conspicuous.
I'm having my friend Rachel's mom find out if he is even an employee at the local guard base.
And I'm terrified because when I first met him I agreed to transcribe tapes for him and now he is sort of an employer.
He is so scary and I don't know what to do because Im there all alone most of the time and he lives just down the street from the museum. He knows my car too. And I'm worried he'll start following me around. He comes over when he sees my car and no one else's.
Today he showed up with a new haircut and would not stop complimenting me. It's all very starnge and I don't know what to think.
Is he harmless or is my current fear justified?

Tomorrow my boss isn't going to be there. Again. The neighbors of the museum look out for me as muchas possible, but they're on vacation.  I'm honestly so scared I'm crying when I go into work.

not that exciting.
It was kind of a let down actually.
I was very excited fr it to come around this year. The food. The fireworks. It's all really cool.
We all (the fam plus Kyle) went to Mike and Wanda's for a cookout. It was ok, but there was no one there under forty except Kyle, Me, and m little brother. I couldn't get in the pool (I fell down the stairs few days ago and when I reached out to grab the banister, it scraped the skin off most of my fingers. ew.) either, so it was a bit of a bust. My brother had a great time, though. He was really sweet running around the pool. He ended up falling asleep in the sun with their cat.
Then we went to my grandmother's house. She has a huge party every year. But once again, we three were the only younger ones there. We ate some more and then Kyle and I departed for Emporia for fireworks.
But we missed them.
And the entire night the only food I even enjoyed was the coleslaw at Mike and Wanda's.
It wasn't a bad night.
But 4th of July is supposed to be mindblowing, right?

(But at least 1776 was on Turner Classic Movies...)

I'm baaaaack.
My house officially has internet. So no more sneaking on at work or dashing out to the coffee shop when something is due for my class.

This summer has been slow paced so far. I get up, go to work, and come home every day. Every once and a while I'll drive up to CaryTown and get c.d.'s at plan 9 or maybe do a little book shopping. Other than that, I never reallyget out of Kenbridge. Ever since the Saves the Day Show, I've been a bit of a hermit...which is ok for now. I've been catching up on some reading. Earlier this month I read Sarah Vowell's The Wordy Shipmates, which was such  fun book. I just finished David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest and it was AMAZING. I'm reading Consider the Lobster now. On the list for next month is Downtown Owl (Klosterman) and The Hamlet (Faulkner). After that, I'm not sure what I'll be reading.

Tuesday is the first day off I've had in a reeaalllyyy long time. So I think I may just lay around the pool. :)

I'm most looking forward to the Half Blood Prince film coming out in July. Without HP novels to look forward to, the movies are all I have left lol. I'm going as Tonks and Kyle is being forced into the character of Remus. bwahaha.

Hoping everyone is having a great summer.

Last night, we drove to Norfolk to see Alkaline Trio, Nightmare of You, Saves the Day, and Drive A at the Norva. It was a really great show.
We walked around the mall and shopped for a little while before it started and then went to Kelley's (the restaurant behind the Norva that lets you in early if you order something). However, the hostess was really rude and said that food could no longer be ordered (at 5 pm), all the while I was watching a twenty something at the bar order a burger and fries. She smirked and said I could order ten dollars in drinks instead. Soooo....we went to Johnny Rockets instead. Which was delicious and had a very nice host.
The while walking out we ran right into Dan from Alkaline Trio. Kyle was a little starstruck so I dragged him over to the Norva. We got there just in time for Drive A, who were ok but not what we came for. We had a really good spot by the stage so we stayed. Nightmare came on next (I was there for them), and they played a lot of their old stuff which I was glad for. Kyle thinks I'm making this up, but I swear Brandon Riley smiled right at me.  I don't see why he wouldn't...I sang every single song and was right in the front. 
Saves the Day came on next. They were amazing. Even though they no longer have Dave in the band, they rocked. Their new guitarist is just as good and really funny. They played "Shoulder to the Wheel" and Driving in the Dark". Both of which we wanted to hear. Kyle commented on how old Chris Connely looked. It's true. All of our favorite musicians are getting older. I'm wondering if they'll be able to relate to the things I'm feeling any more. Then again, I'm getting older too.
After their set, Chris handed Kyle the setlist and said "Nice to see you again". He was uber excited because his idol remembered him. Kyle was walking on a cloud for the rest of the evening.
Alkaline came on after a very long wait. In the mean time, the girls in back of me sloshed beer all over my dress. I was more than pissed because they had spilled drinks on me all night. When the band came on, the crowd got really intense. I was right at the front so Kyle tried to form a barricade between me and them but I still got a little squished. Fights broke out.It was chaos.
But fun.
Until the next to last song...
When I fainted.
I'm not sure why I did...it's just something that's been happening a lot lately. Once in English class, last month when we went to see Manchester Orchestra. The thing is, it's not like I don't eat or had been drinking or anything. I just got really hot and nauseous and passed out.
I woke up and Kyle and some guy were carrying me out to the bar. A woman came up and shined a flashlight in my eyes and asked some question I can't remember, then declared me ok. I felt horrible that he was missing Alkaline Trio. Their encore was starting, so I made him go back out and followed after a bit.
Overall, though, it was a really fun show.
 
I just woke up, and now I'm going to pin my ticket on the wall with the others and try to scrub these x's off my hands.

Yes!
I have been hearing so many coflicting views about this pandemic.That there's no way to prevent it and it will wipe out a third of the population. That it actually hasn't killed as many as the normal flu does, so it is not as epic as we make it out to be--- just a novelty. It's apparently the new Spanish Influenza.
And they're changing it's name?
...Can't say I blame anyone for that, though. I'd hate to say I hve swine flu. Something with a little more pizazz, please.

As for prevention...possibly swallow some gilley weed and live under water until it all passes?

Last night during my American Short Story final I stumbled across something that  REALLY wanted to post...
...but for the life of me, I can't remember what it is. haha, oh well.

Today is my last full day here. It's going to be so odd moving back home. And not the good odd either. I'll be without internet, so my posts will most likely be few and far between. But I promise I will write whenever I'm in Uptown Coffee or at Kyle's (if he still let's me use his comp since I crashd it watching Dr. Who off a sketchy site...wooops).
I'm going to miss this place. The place I never wanted to come to. Today Amanda and I are exploring the tunnel under Va. Hall and hanging out in the Creative Writing mansion with her Nonfiction professor.(nd I'm hoping we'll run into Claudia Emerson there...I have a poem I desperatley want her to read).
So, goodbye Fredericksburg.
Until next year.

By the way, has anyone watched the BBC show "All The Small Things"? It's an entire television series based of of Blink 182 songs. The son is autisic and obsesses about Tom Delonge. It's a pretty funny show, just because it's not very well done. I think my favorite part so far is when the son gets excied because his to be love interest is asthmatic and so is Tom....so if she's ever around him they can shar an inhaler. It's all very cute.